emotional leprosy

alright. this is the blog entry that i've been thinking about for a long time, but haven't been able to bring myself to write. but when i thought about WHY i hadn't been able to write it, i realised that it was because i was worried about how my readers would see me. 

then i remembered that a) this blog is for me, not for them, and b) there are only two of them, so it's not exactly the end of the world if they decide that i'm whiny/needy/weak/whatever

(it's also interesting that i seem to associate emotional openess with weakness, but that's another story i suppose)

basically, i'm lonely.

for anyone who has been in a long-term relationship, it can be mundane, passionless and confining. the relationship can feel like an inescapable trap, the partner a source of resentment. this is especially true when you are with the 'wrong' person. but the relationship can also be a crutch. that person has imprinted themselves on your life, psyche, discourse. that person has literally changed you as a person by contributing elements of themselves to your personality. likewise, you bear the responsibility of knowing that you have played a large part in shaping them. as a couple, you develop a shorthand. you recognise each others' strengths and weaknesses and divide tasks in such a way as to ensure efficiency, thus developing a learned helplessness in those tasks which normally fall to the other. it isn't impossible to break this co-dependancy, but the prospect is daunting. and i believe that this is, in part at least, the reason why i stayed in a bad relationship for so long. it wasn't dysfunctional- far from it. it was entirely too functional if the truth be told. we were a well-oiled machine. unfortunately, machines don't have much of a capacity for love.

so it was hard, and it was scary, and it took me two years longer than it really should have. but eventually i got out.

and i'm better for it. there is no question in my mind on that score.

but one big thing that i do miss about a relationship is this: feeling desired.

that probably sounds disgusting to those of you who are reading since we're friends and all, but tough. this isn't for you. 

and what i mean by feeling desired isn't as carnal as it sounds. i miss the feeling that someone wants to spend time with me because it's me, not because i'm convienient company. i miss someone laughing at my bad jokes and telling me i smell nice and asking for my opinion because it's the only opinion they want. i imagine i would miss being told i looked pretty too, but obviously that couldn't happen in my last relationship.

i'm very sick of these one-sided crushes. it feels like a lot of emotional input when the object of your affections finds you about as attractive as a sea-slug.

i miss feeling valued. granted, that feeling had been lacking even when i was with someone. but it was there at the start, and i want that again.

i know people say you should never rely on another person to validate you. i respect that stance. i envy that stance. i can't take that stance. 

i can't help but feel that my concept of self-worth is largely dependant on the value that i feel i have attributed to the lives of others. that is part of the reason why i think i sought out teaching. 

so without a relationship, there is less opportunity to 'value add'. 

and one-sided crushes feel worse, as they 'value detract'. without a reciprocated attraction, i feel like that useless, awkward lug who keeps imposing her silly feelings on others. it is a genuinely disgusting notion. 

these 'feelings' almost seem like a disease.

i'm an emotional leper. don't touch me or want me or reciprocate in any way, else you be similarly afflicted.