waiting

last night i drank a little too much
and i told him. (yet again. i know, i know)

yeah.

i think it's okay.
i think i'm okay.
i hung out with him today and things felt normal. pleasant.
i didn't feel the overwhelming urge to make a fool of myself or proclaim my love.
i didn't want to kiss him or ask him why he didn't love me back.
i just wanted to hang out with my friend - and that was nice. i've been missing that. lately i'd been building up our every interaction as something exciting and remarkable and life-changing. every minute with him was a minute to be recorded and replayed whenever he wasn't there.
today was a nice day. we had fun. we hung out. and that was that.


did we spark the way we usually do? hmm, maybe not. we were us still, but i think a small element of the 'us-ness' was missing. and i'm pretty certain that this element was me. or rather my eagerness to be brilliant and entertaining and lovable at every turn.
i don't know how i'm supposed to feel at the moment. i mean, obviously i still love him. but the quality of that love has already begun to change.
i'd experienced this same feeling earlier on when we'd been on prac for a few weeks. absence made the heart grow forgetful. i was comfortable not hearing from him for a few days at a time. if he was online, i didn't feel compelled to talk. i didn't update my LAG folder on a daily basis.
but then he got back and we started spending time together again. i remembered how amazing he was with my family and how much i loved his. i remembered how much we had in common, what good company he was, how pretty his eyes were (shut up, i'm not gushing). and it all just flared up again - like a rash. an itchy, uncomfortable, bright-red rash that was just so irresistable that i just had to scratch it.
but now that he's rejected me (again!), i can feel myself re-entering that lull. and i'm wondering if this is a coping thing: letting my feelings fall dormant until my heart seems to have forgotten the last assault. i don't have any answers right now, just a million questions.
the paramount one being this:
how?
how did i let myself get here again? what happened to make me go "hmm, you know that boy who definitely isn't in love with you? have you considered giving him another go?"
someone smart told me that i should let myself mope for a bit.
i should be allowed to feel like shit and accept that i have feelings. i'm a person and i deserve to be as pathetic as i need to be in order to move on.
i can already feel myself closing up again though. i can feel myself shutting it out as something that happened because i let myself get carried away. i let myself hope.
and my natural reaction to this is to not hope. to not feel.
i've let myself be miserable for weeks - but i did have some degree of control over the situation. i hadn't told him. i was the one in control of the situation by virtue of the fact that i was keeping my feelings to myself. and that hurt, and it sucked. but it was up to me. i knew i could end that misery any time by letting him know how i felt and releasing the pressure.

now i've done that.
so if i let myself be miserable now, i don't know when that might end. i don't have any control in this situation. the idea of being retrospectively miserable - of moping at a situation that i have no control over - is scary. i don't know when i'll feel better. i don't know how to make that change come about. it feels like some waiting game.
it feels like godot.
i don't know what i'll be waiting for. i don't know how relief will manifest itself. i don't know how long it will take. i don't know if it will come at all.
so the idea of not walking down that road is a much more attractive prospect.


this blog isn't really here to communicate a point or a thought or an 'answer'.
these are just my fears.